Last week I shared about my first date with my husband. This week we are jumping right along to date number three, which was just as awkward as date number one and almost as awkward as date number four. Yes, somehow it got worse.
Date number two was comparatively uneventful. The only notable point to be made about date two is that I took him to my favorite coffee shop, which I frequent more than is fiscally responsible or healthy. This is a big deal because I had only taken my other two Bumble dates to another local coffee shop unofficially (but kind of officially) designated for awkward blind dates in my town. Instead, Sean got to go to my place.
Between dates two and three I’m not sure what happened in my brain, however, after about six months of abstaining, I got the notion it was safe to start drinking alcohol again. I was eating more and crying less so the occasional beer didn’t feel like a terrible life decision anymore.
Since I had mentioned before that Sean kind of reminded me of comedian John Mulaney, when Sean asked what I thought we should do for date three I proposed we drink bourbon and watch one of John Mulaney’s Netflix specials at my house. Did I drink bourbon? Never. But since I was starting to drink again, it felt like a good enough time as any to change my personality and pick up a new drink.
I also never had boys (or men) come over to my house, by the way.
It was a lot of weird choices and I didn’t really consider how weird this all was until about the same time he pulled into my driveway. Then it all hit me as he knocked on my front door. And stuff got weird.
He loved the John Mulaney Netflix special. Of course he did– he is, as I previously said, kinda John Mulaney-ish.
Meanwhile, I drank my little Woodford and ginger beer business, sitting mostly silently, internally freaking out about how I had invited a man to my house to netflix and not chill. BUT DID HE KNOW THERE WAS NO CHILL?
But kissing a new person was a terrifying prospect for me. Guys, I cannot stress this enough: I felt pure terror. Once you start kissing someone, you get on board a roller coaster of emotions and expectations, and that was too much for a little anxious Jessica who just got off that roller coaster with someone else not too long ago.
No. No, he didn’t know that because this was America in 2018. If you invite a boy (man) to your house on a third date, I have learned they will assume you will at least kiss them.
Just as John Mulaney got to the middle of a pretty crude bit wherein he was explaining an interaction he had with a homeless woman, Sean decided to put his arm around me. I can’t repeat what it was John Mulaney said because it was lewd — which made it extra awkward that Sean chose this point to put his arm around me.
You need to know Sean denies he put his arm around me then, but I remember everything always and it totally was. My memory doesn’t play around.
You should also know I said, “WHY DID YOU PUT YOUR ARM AROUND ME AFTER HE SAID THAT?!”
Sean: “Well, I just saw that there isn’t a lot of time left on the clock and I knew I wanted to put my arm around you. I knew if I was going to put my arm around you it needed to be now.”
So, fair enough I guess.
Except his arm was now around me, while we were on my couch, on our third date. And I was freaking the eff out. (As previously mentioned, it was actual terror!)
I hugged my knees to my chest and sat up perfectly straight, like a true awkward weirdo.
End scene for John Mulaney: I immediately popped right up off that dang couch lickety split and proceeded to move all around my living room and kitchen and mapped out in the greatest of detail everything for a Harry Potter themed party I had hosted there about a year prior.
He knew where the sorting hat went and every detail about all three of the cakes I had made. He got to hear about where I put the house points jars and the handmade golden snitch ornaments and more. Lots more. Because Harry Potter was the first thing that came to mind when I wanted a reason to get off the couch and release nervous energy.
Then, after I ran out of Harry Potter party related facts, I abruptly– and literally– sashayed to the door and said, “and here’s the door.”
I said that. Out loud. It happened!
When he got over his probable shock and made his way to the door, he hugged me and seemed to be angling for a kiss; I shut that down real quick and pretended not to notice in my own not-at-all-smooth way.
Sooooo, ummm, yeah. That was date three with my husband whom I liked (and now love).
Oh, what a day.
We went on a fourth date, where I finally consented to letting him kiss me. It was just as weird as date three when I did not let him kiss me, in case you were wondering. Get ready to hear about that made-for-cringey-tv relationship moment next week.